...zombie-like but happy...

well...
Yesterday I went to sleep at 4:00 am. Got up at 9...and this schedule keeps moving like that for 3 weeks already. I can't force myself to go to sleep, spend hours watching episodes analyzing the characters lives instead of getting a glimpse of reality. Trying to avoid food but constantly failing stuffing myself to a tranquil state. Why is this happening? I think I know...
This is called - a pending state. That happens when you wait for something or someone. I'm waiting for both. My girlfriend is away and my musical endeavor is pending because of the summer season. I'm 25 and I'm tired of parties and thus the only way to entertain myself is to stuff the brain with some useful/useless information that I can find in the random sources of information around me. What I lack is being systemic. Instead while being chaotic I'm transforming myself is some weird creature...Random. I cannot find another word. I JUST can't force myself to stick to a pattern. Any fucking pattern. I guess this is what they call - searching for thyself. Hehe...I thought I know what I want, but it seems that I don't. At least I can be sure in two things:
I LOVE MUSIC AND I LOVE LIFE. The second is much more important. I think that even when your head is cracking apart and the whole condition is zombie-like, this feeling can drive you. I was always able to avoid everything commonly believed to danger the length of life....BECAUSE I LOVE IT, DAMN IT.
I don't know how I got there. I think that according to the same commonly believed principles I must be a pathetic geek looser without hope...but here I am, loving life. No idea how it happened.