It's funny how some moments clench in your brain never letting go. This defines you as a person, guides your next move and affects your personality, makes you who you are. It can be a phrase said by your co-worker or a distant episode in a subway that for some reason ended up in your head and keeps coming back. For instance, when I was working in IBM in Hungary as an IT Process Analyst (my first real job), I tried to move to Russia and keep my position within the organization. My moving had something to do with my family situation but mostly I just wanted this big three-letter giant to pay me more money and appreciate the time I spent to get two technical degrees. My boss agreed to look into it and promised to come back to me within 6 months (!). It was my first job, I was a rookie and still believed high level management, so I agreed to wait. IBM allows you to work from home, so in August 2009 I went to Russia on my own expense for a month and worked from there. I had to state in an email that I'll cover all the non-business expenses. During my stay I've received a call on my business mobile on an important issue and I've spent 40 minutes in roaming solving it successfully. When I returned back to Hungary, IBM rejected the request to reimburse the money I spent on mobile conversations because I was in Russia on my own expense, so I had to pay 200USD out of my salary each month for 4 month for the business call and successful issue solving. I must say that my salary after taxes was 800USD and I had to pay 300USD rent, so working 10 hours per day I had only 300USD free money per month for the next 4 months. I will not describe how pissed I was and how under-appreciated I felt those days. It was embarrassing and more than that, some of my friends in Moscow were doing really good, getting well-paid jobs, moving on with their lives...so I went back to my boss on the question of my transfer to Russia with keeping my position in IBM. And here's when it happened. That moment that stuck in my head - cannot quote him word by word but this is the meaning: "Russia is not a GR country, so we cannot transfer you there". First I did not understand (rookie) but then I checked what is a GR country. It stands for Global Resource country and in simple words it means - CHEAP WORK FORCE. That day I told them I that I quit. That moment was exactly the one when I felt that I'm in the same boat with the poor African children and smart people doomed to rot in god-forsaken villages in Siberia - flushed down in the toilet with all my education, fluent English, musicianship and loving-caring mindset of a child. I felt all the power of the cold war, of Soviet Union collapse, exploitation of Chinese, injustice, drugs etc crushing on me and twisting my spine. Suddenly this world was no longer a place for creativity, talent, appreciation, joy, comedy and sunny days at the beach - that was the moment when I faced reality of who I was - one our of the 7 billion, a paying unit, nobody with doubtful future, ridiculous dreams and super-high self-esteem, a little boy who wanted nice guys from IBM to help him to become professional in IT, give him a comfortable place to grow and live happily...and here comes the funny part. I want to thank IBM for this. If it wasn't for them, I would still believe in that dream and go into the bubble that the system wants us to go into to keep it's cogwheels in motion. My existence was altered by the fact that Hungary is a Global Resource country where workforce is cheap. Somebody decided that the whole country is good only for technical support and administration regardless of who lives in it. Today's form of slavery and mind suppression - I don't know if this is intentional, because I don't think that anyone in the right mind can justify this system, but what I learned from all of this is that when there is capital, no one cares about creating jobs for people just to make their lives good. Jobs are created only for making money and if you're not capable of that - go to a GR country and be a puppet, a paying unit, a janitor for the society of the lucky ones who learned the tools that are relevant today. All the alternatives that exist today are working within the monstrosity of capitalism and if you think that you're fighting the system when sipping cocktails in Bali, you're mistaken. If you found a way to exist in this world and make enough money to feel good, you're not better than a bum who's dying drunk under the bridge. The big question is - is it worth of fighting this system or sip cocktails in Bali? I have not found people around me who would think in these categories, they get scared when I talk about this because it's too deep for them or too morbid. So what's my path? Learning the tools in desperate attempt to keep up with the dictate or dedicate my life to searching for a chest with gold? Become a bounty hunter? :) Go to Bali and smoke weed? Or go to California to the silicon valley, kiss some assess and get a relevant job? Enable myself, become a junkie and die in a drain somewhere? I'll take the path that I turned away from when I entered the IBM building - I'll continue writing music because it's the only thing that saves me from drowning in this swamp. I don't know how much time I have left - 50-60 years? I'm no forecaster, but I really wish that one day people will start thinking in other categories and GR countries will disappear from this planet.
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
Thursday, November 10, 2011
You've been asked "Why do you do what you do?" and...
...this is something I've been noticing through out my entire life. At first I did not pay attention, then thanks to one of the nastiest people I remember it pierced me with meaning - the question "Why do you do what you do?"
Have you ever and been asked
What is the purpose the work you do at your job?
Every big corp office worker in his twenties will sigh now.
The purpose of my work is...to open the DB, run an SQL query to extract the bit of data, put it in an Excel file, run a macro and send it to a distribution list You see startled looks and enjoy yourself for a second of great technical reign and glory! But then that smug, young girlfriend of your mate will fire the inevitable: So, what is it exactly that you do? What's it for?
And here you have a choice - to bore everybody with long and tiresome narrative analysis of this question because you don't know the straight answer, or simply lie that it's important...unless, you don't care what you do in life and this job is nothing but earning money (which is a dogshit statement if you're in your twenties)...YOU HATE WHEN THEY ASK WHY, DON'T YOU?
Shit...it's hard to admit that you don't have the slightest idea of what the hell are you doing among this half-a-million bunch of robots that all work to earn billions for a huge monster evil corp. And your small moments of pride are gone when you start seeing your more stupid (in your opinion of course) friends get more money, better jobs, showing results...here, I said this word.
RESULTS
It took me years to understand this - when you wave off parties, nice, careless evenings spent with mates partying, the only thing that matters in the end is your own result. What can you show, what can you do, what do you know...and the only person to see the benefit of being able to demonstrate this is YOU. You will feel better if when someone asks you:
What is the purpose of your work?
You'd say: I design motorboat engines for farmers or if you are into arts I build an eCommerce shop for a clothing brand etc etc etc....noone will ask you WHY or WHAT after that. You will be able to answer anything about it because you see the horizon and not a bunch of useless data bits. I'd say, don't be afraid to ask yourself if you'd feel better to work as a fork-lift driver for sometime, or lay bricks, or work in a consumer store, or any of these jobs and communicate rather than sit in a cubicle all day, reading inspirational memos from your big evil corp. The atmosphere there provokes you to think about career and if your not successful there you'll find this monster pressing down on you and you'll end up in the shittiest department working 12 hours a day in the office and another 3 at home, just to avoid answering the question What is the purpose the work you do at your job?
I must say that I don't have hatred for big corps like IBM or Oracle...the problem with these places is their HR and capitalistic society that we all live in. An HR agent will hire you because she/he is a person and needs to cover deadlines even if you're not good for the job...and you'll get there, start working, without ANY CHANCE to develop because you're just not good for this job and you never asked yourself if you wanted it...it just happened that you got in. Maybe it's TIME TO GET OUT
What is the purpose the work you do at your job?
Every big corp office worker in his twenties will sigh now.
The purpose of my work is...to open the DB, run an SQL query to extract the bit of data, put it in an Excel file, run a macro and send it to a distribution list You see startled looks and enjoy yourself for a second of great technical reign and glory! But then that smug, young girlfriend of your mate will fire the inevitable: So, what is it exactly that you do? What's it for?
And here you have a choice - to bore everybody with long and tiresome narrative analysis of this question because you don't know the straight answer, or simply lie that it's important...unless, you don't care what you do in life and this job is nothing but earning money (which is a dogshit statement if you're in your twenties)...YOU HATE WHEN THEY ASK WHY, DON'T YOU?
Shit...it's hard to admit that you don't have the slightest idea of what the hell are you doing among this half-a-million bunch of robots that all work to earn billions for a huge monster evil corp. And your small moments of pride are gone when you start seeing your more stupid (in your opinion of course) friends get more money, better jobs, showing results...here, I said this word.
RESULTS
It took me years to understand this - when you wave off parties, nice, careless evenings spent with mates partying, the only thing that matters in the end is your own result. What can you show, what can you do, what do you know...and the only person to see the benefit of being able to demonstrate this is YOU. You will feel better if when someone asks you:
What is the purpose of your work?
You'd say: I design motorboat engines for farmers or if you are into arts I build an eCommerce shop for a clothing brand etc etc etc....noone will ask you WHY or WHAT after that. You will be able to answer anything about it because you see the horizon and not a bunch of useless data bits. I'd say, don't be afraid to ask yourself if you'd feel better to work as a fork-lift driver for sometime, or lay bricks, or work in a consumer store, or any of these jobs and communicate rather than sit in a cubicle all day, reading inspirational memos from your big evil corp. The atmosphere there provokes you to think about career and if your not successful there you'll find this monster pressing down on you and you'll end up in the shittiest department working 12 hours a day in the office and another 3 at home, just to avoid answering the question What is the purpose the work you do at your job?
I must say that I don't have hatred for big corps like IBM or Oracle...the problem with these places is their HR and capitalistic society that we all live in. An HR agent will hire you because she/he is a person and needs to cover deadlines even if you're not good for the job...and you'll get there, start working, without ANY CHANCE to develop because you're just not good for this job and you never asked yourself if you wanted it...it just happened that you got in. Maybe it's TIME TO GET OUT
Sunday, August 21, 2011
Bill Hicks
I've just finished the movie "American: The Story of Bill Hicks". God, I always wish people like him, Jim Morrison, Beethoven, Mendeleev and other crazy fucks would be alive now. It's sad that we don't hear these people because they are to fucking fast for their time. One thing I understood about time is that we every present moment we live and think and only a few of us can actually effectively PLAN and see the bigger picture. You know, like seeing what could happen in 1 year. Hicks gives a good advice on how to go on and feel that you LIVE your life...but I'm ain't gonna share it. Anyone who digs this post out from the web - watch the movie and if you never new Bill Hicks, get to know him. It might be your first step to get in touch with the great, or another name to remember if you already know Kurt Vonnegut.
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Time's turning around
Listening to Tool.
Things are changing around me and I cannot keep up with the pace. Have you ever felt that one more instant and you will be shaken off the face of this planet because you're slow, useless being will loose the gravity because it's not needed here? Well known fact - Earth's circumference is 40000km/25000miles. That is - if you walk from the point where you sit and around the planet following the imaginary line in front of you you'll have to make around 48.000.000 steps. Consider if you make 10.000 steps per day...damn, that's 48.000 days of walking. It's like 2 lifetimes of walking...Sorry, got distracted with calculations :) The point is, HOW FAR will you fly away if you suddenly loose the gravity?) This better be outdoors...I would not want to experience it now here in a cafe house :) I don't want to speculate too much here, but sometimes I feel that my contribution to this place is so small...like tiny winy...But from the other hand, we are all inspired by the big shots, right? Beethoven, Salk, Jagger, Mendeleev, Bach, Tesla, Liszt...these guys lived grand. And, yeah, most of the west lives in this democratic delusion that everything is possible if you JUST FUCKING WISH IT. The formula - sit your ass on the chair and work yourself through the debris of creation, cuz you know that the level you need to achieve is so damn high that you don't even see the top. You have a wall to climb and there are your fellows climbing next to you. You have a choice - you climb fast and leave most of them behind, or you climb slow (ALWAYS) and stay with your friends, loved ones etc...It's easy - IF YOU WANT TO BE GRAND YOU'LL BE ALONE FOR A LONG TIME. It's good if you met a girl/guy who will love you whatever what and stay with you through this period of self-development that does not have any prospect - just a belief. Yeah, we all believe in something. Those, who don't really care about the above, believe in supernatural stuff, those who really do stuff believe in THIS STUFF. Music, web-design, architecture, feelings...whatever you choose...but the LEVEL that Ferenc Liszt achieved. You know, I play guitar. And I used to play like 9 hours per day when I had time during school, but now I have no time, so it's like 10 hours per week max. It's not enough and I feel it, but do I spend my time on important stuff? NO. I work 6-7 hours per day like everyone else (I mean productive work). 24-7-8 = 9. Approximately 9 hours per day to pick up with the speed to become grand. Ok, I go and play guitar now. Oh, wait a minute...I need to meet my gal in 30 mins. Ok I play later. Shit I forgot to go to the bank and cancel my card. Damn, I need to call my mom. The phone rings - oh, hey bro, how are you? Yeah, let's meet for a drink. Baby, are we going to that homecoming party tomorrow? Damn, I forgot, but yeah, we promised. Movie on the weekend? Sure, I wanna see that terrific effects in Transformers 3...have you read that book? no, Paulo Colelhio? Will read it.
You know what...I'm asking myself one question everyday that makes me wanna puke at times: "Dude, have you learned something today that will make your life better?" The answer is NO after most of the days and the reason why the feeling is so bitter is - 9 FUCKING HOURS that you can use to do it and the only thing that keeps you away is YOUR LIFE IN THE PRESENT TIME that will NEVER change if you keep enabling it. I'm slowly turning it around now...very slowly, because you cannot simply say to all of your friends and family that they should leave you alone and let you do your stuff. This is arrogant and selfish, do you agree? BUT THIS IS THE ONLY WAY, especially if you have a mediocre talent for something and you need twice as much time to get to the good level than, say, Bach. I don't believe that bullshit about LAZYNESS...Most of the people are not lazy to the extent when they don't do what they want to do. Most of the talented people don't get support from the ones who surround them because those people are NOT capable to see their raw talent that has to be developed.
So, sorry guys, but you won't see me as often as before, cuz I decided to change the course a little. One year left to become a rock star and die of overdose to join Jimmy :) hahaha. Joking. I love life and I cannot let anything hold me back even if that's my best friends. Wish me luck...because that will be the 10000 time I'm trying that. You know...I'll start new life on Monday, will eat healthy, read a book per week, learn another foreign language etc...
Good luck to you to. Don't let the guilt, fear and prejudice affect you to the extent where you loose your way.
D.
Things are changing around me and I cannot keep up with the pace. Have you ever felt that one more instant and you will be shaken off the face of this planet because you're slow, useless being will loose the gravity because it's not needed here? Well known fact - Earth's circumference is 40000km/25000miles. That is - if you walk from the point where you sit and around the planet following the imaginary line in front of you you'll have to make around 48.000.000 steps. Consider if you make 10.000 steps per day...damn, that's 48.000 days of walking. It's like 2 lifetimes of walking...Sorry, got distracted with calculations :) The point is, HOW FAR will you fly away if you suddenly loose the gravity?) This better be outdoors...I would not want to experience it now here in a cafe house :) I don't want to speculate too much here, but sometimes I feel that my contribution to this place is so small...like tiny winy...But from the other hand, we are all inspired by the big shots, right? Beethoven, Salk, Jagger, Mendeleev, Bach, Tesla, Liszt...these guys lived grand. And, yeah, most of the west lives in this democratic delusion that everything is possible if you JUST FUCKING WISH IT. The formula - sit your ass on the chair and work yourself through the debris of creation, cuz you know that the level you need to achieve is so damn high that you don't even see the top. You have a wall to climb and there are your fellows climbing next to you. You have a choice - you climb fast and leave most of them behind, or you climb slow (ALWAYS) and stay with your friends, loved ones etc...It's easy - IF YOU WANT TO BE GRAND YOU'LL BE ALONE FOR A LONG TIME. It's good if you met a girl/guy who will love you whatever what and stay with you through this period of self-development that does not have any prospect - just a belief. Yeah, we all believe in something. Those, who don't really care about the above, believe in supernatural stuff, those who really do stuff believe in THIS STUFF. Music, web-design, architecture, feelings...whatever you choose...but the LEVEL that Ferenc Liszt achieved. You know, I play guitar. And I used to play like 9 hours per day when I had time during school, but now I have no time, so it's like 10 hours per week max. It's not enough and I feel it, but do I spend my time on important stuff? NO. I work 6-7 hours per day like everyone else (I mean productive work). 24-7-8 = 9. Approximately 9 hours per day to pick up with the speed to become grand. Ok, I go and play guitar now. Oh, wait a minute...I need to meet my gal in 30 mins. Ok I play later. Shit I forgot to go to the bank and cancel my card. Damn, I need to call my mom. The phone rings - oh, hey bro, how are you? Yeah, let's meet for a drink. Baby, are we going to that homecoming party tomorrow? Damn, I forgot, but yeah, we promised. Movie on the weekend? Sure, I wanna see that terrific effects in Transformers 3...have you read that book? no, Paulo Colelhio? Will read it.
You know what...I'm asking myself one question everyday that makes me wanna puke at times: "Dude, have you learned something today that will make your life better?" The answer is NO after most of the days and the reason why the feeling is so bitter is - 9 FUCKING HOURS that you can use to do it and the only thing that keeps you away is YOUR LIFE IN THE PRESENT TIME that will NEVER change if you keep enabling it. I'm slowly turning it around now...very slowly, because you cannot simply say to all of your friends and family that they should leave you alone and let you do your stuff. This is arrogant and selfish, do you agree? BUT THIS IS THE ONLY WAY, especially if you have a mediocre talent for something and you need twice as much time to get to the good level than, say, Bach. I don't believe that bullshit about LAZYNESS...Most of the people are not lazy to the extent when they don't do what they want to do. Most of the talented people don't get support from the ones who surround them because those people are NOT capable to see their raw talent that has to be developed.
So, sorry guys, but you won't see me as often as before, cuz I decided to change the course a little. One year left to become a rock star and die of overdose to join Jimmy :) hahaha. Joking. I love life and I cannot let anything hold me back even if that's my best friends. Wish me luck...because that will be the 10000 time I'm trying that. You know...I'll start new life on Monday, will eat healthy, read a book per week, learn another foreign language etc...
Good luck to you to. Don't let the guilt, fear and prejudice affect you to the extent where you loose your way.
D.
Monday, February 28, 2011
headache
Have you noticed that when you have a headache it's hard to be polite, impressive, concerned, emotional, adequate, appropriate, respond, not respond...anything you do becomes generic. I mean, strong headache? Damn, that's what is happening to me now.
Headache is drilling my head
It's nagging deep, I cannot sleep
Refreshing pain, my room is bright
This light is like a pulse, a beat
My head becomes a vein that swells
There is a clot that blocks the blood
I hope it will explode RIGHT NOW
So I can feel relief and DIE
AHAHAHAHAHA!!!
Headache is drilling my head
It's nagging deep, I cannot sleep
Refreshing pain, my room is bright
This light is like a pulse, a beat
My head becomes a vein that swells
There is a clot that blocks the blood
I hope it will explode RIGHT NOW
So I can feel relief and DIE
AHAHAHAHAHA!!!
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
RE-Legion
Wow, it's been a long time since I wrote in this blog. I even started to forget Anglishe...Of what the f...feck is the name of this language I'm writing in...man..today, more food for my brain, we talked with my friend about religion. I hate the subject and NOT because I DON'T BELIEVE IN BIBLICAL GOD and search for alternatives, or I HATE ISLAMIC TERRORISTS, or I'M AN ATHEIST because I think humans are ape ancestors. The point is that this is one f...freaking hard subject to talk about. In the end of each conversation I want to ask a question "So, what the h...hole do you know about religion?"
Anyways, "I'm still here, giving blood, keeping faith" just like MJK advised in the Patient from Lateralus. I'm sure the point was not to believe in a certain book or a man in the sky ('invention of lying'2009 imdb) but to BELIEVE in something. In my case in utopia that every human will be able to feel every other human being in the world one day. I don't care if this won't last, but at least just for one second we will be able to feel this sublime emotion of being all connected. With so much anger in this world now that is not just existing but is worshiped by millions it's good to believe in this one. I'm sure I won't live to see it. Most probably I will see a f...flecking nuclear cloud sometime soon or a huge space exile of those who'll be the first to discover another planet to live (the odds? hmmmm....1 to 1000000000000000000000000*10+18)) Shit, we are left with a big nuclear fart in the end) I hope that won't happen. Anyways, my opinion (if someone gives a flying f...fork) that it's better to have a mature belief in Biblical God or Muhammad than to treat life with a matrix/fight club/american history x/traispotting kind of attitude.
I mean, don't stick to something if you are not sure in what is good or bad, right or wrong, but don't acquire the anarchistic s...slimy views just because your favorite band said so or because Brad Pitt is the star in the movie that tells you to blow up all corporations on this blue black'n'green air bubble we call mutter föld :) A life of one human is not enough to know everything so...yep, believe in what you want but be sure you spend quality time to learn it....you may very well offend someone by commenting on religious topic....People turn to God not just because their parents are religious.
HAVE AN OPINION, GOD DAMMIT! BE A MAN, FOR CHRIST SAKES....I have a friend who thinks that I should start recording commercial music to earn money...well I hate that idea but, damn, whatever I say she HAS an opinion and is not afraid to share it...on the other hand before pooing in someone's ears ask yourself if you are competent in doing that...that's where "silence is gold" comes into the picture. But don't be a chicken. If you are 100% sure that you are right, fire out. It's better to learn by making mistakes than not to learn at all. Man becomes a fool when he stops asking questions...haha, this last part tells nothing)) but all the right folks will get what I mean! Ok, gotta run!
Bless ya all!
D
P.S. in end...never forget to ask the question form of the following statement from yourself
Anyways, "I'm still here, giving blood, keeping faith" just like MJK advised in the Patient from Lateralus. I'm sure the point was not to believe in a certain book or a man in the sky ('invention of lying'2009 imdb) but to BELIEVE in something. In my case in utopia that every human will be able to feel every other human being in the world one day. I don't care if this won't last, but at least just for one second we will be able to feel this sublime emotion of being all connected. With so much anger in this world now that is not just existing but is worshiped by millions it's good to believe in this one. I'm sure I won't live to see it. Most probably I will see a f...flecking nuclear cloud sometime soon or a huge space exile of those who'll be the first to discover another planet to live (the odds? hmmmm....1 to 1000000000000000000000000*10+18)) Shit, we are left with a big nuclear fart in the end) I hope that won't happen. Anyways, my opinion (if someone gives a flying f...fork) that it's better to have a mature belief in Biblical God or Muhammad than to treat life with a matrix/fight club/american history x/traispotting kind of attitude.
I mean, don't stick to something if you are not sure in what is good or bad, right or wrong, but don't acquire the anarchistic s...slimy views just because your favorite band said so or because Brad Pitt is the star in the movie that tells you to blow up all corporations on this blue black'n'green air bubble we call mutter föld :) A life of one human is not enough to know everything so...yep, believe in what you want but be sure you spend quality time to learn it....you may very well offend someone by commenting on religious topic....People turn to God not just because their parents are religious.
HAVE AN OPINION, GOD DAMMIT! BE A MAN, FOR CHRIST SAKES....I have a friend who thinks that I should start recording commercial music to earn money...well I hate that idea but, damn, whatever I say she HAS an opinion and is not afraid to share it...on the other hand before pooing in someone's ears ask yourself if you are competent in doing that...that's where "silence is gold" comes into the picture. But don't be a chicken. If you are 100% sure that you are right, fire out. It's better to learn by making mistakes than not to learn at all. Man becomes a fool when he stops asking questions...haha, this last part tells nothing)) but all the right folks will get what I mean! Ok, gotta run!
Bless ya all!
D
P.S. in end...never forget to ask the question form of the following statement from yourself
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Underpassculture.com
Finally I created a page for myself. It's also more like a blog but at last I have my own hosting.
The page is www.underpassculture.com -> Welcome to those who are interested in photography and music. I will load up my shots there and sometimes my new music. I'm not sure if I will update this blog as often as before because now I'm swarmed with different stuff, work etc but as soon as Anika returns from Stockholm I will ask her if she is eager to take this one over from me :)
See ya all!
D.
www.underpassculture.com
The page is www.underpassculture.com -> Welcome to those who are interested in photography and music. I will load up my shots there and sometimes my new music. I'm not sure if I will update this blog as often as before because now I'm swarmed with different stuff, work etc but as soon as Anika returns from Stockholm I will ask her if she is eager to take this one over from me :)
See ya all!
D.
www.underpassculture.com
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